She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
