bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
