I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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