At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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