I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just want to make out with him forever
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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