btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
