I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
