it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
