shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
