My sheets look like a crime scene.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
