So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
