If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
