I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
