omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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