I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
