I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
