Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
