he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
