his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
