what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
