just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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