He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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