I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I believe in your delicious
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
