You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was not drunk enough for that final.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
