everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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