i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
