uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
