I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
