i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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