Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
