I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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