Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
