So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
