dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
