i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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