I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
