All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
