My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
