I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
