i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
