Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
