make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
