I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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