My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
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