I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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