The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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