Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
