and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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