yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I have fence marks all over my body
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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