why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
